Reality

I'm pretty sure everyone reaches a point where they feel like they have no choice but to be upfront, honest and real with themselves, and to everyone else. Whatever it is, and whoever you are, there must have been a time in life when you've had to stop the "brave face" and just acknowledge and face a situation.

For me, I think that time is now, or is about to be upon me. I haven't written a personal update post for quite a while, and I think this post will be one of those.

As far as my osteomyelitis goes, the surgery I had in June seems to have worked - or at least stopped any infection from spreading. I still have pain, and it still burns, but it radiates less and the joint is more stable. However, it's gone wrong in a way that I never thought nor expected it would.

Because of the debridement, there was less bone remaining on the right side of the bone than the left side. And because of infection, my wires had to be removed earlier than the time that bone fusion took place (and they were removed sans prior X-ray). Post-wire-removal, the distal fragment has moved, towards the right side, and subsequently fused, leaving the joint at a 30* angle. Now, it needs to be fused again because of the poor result. I won't go much into my surgeon and what exactly happened, but I'm left feeling disappointed and deflated at how things have gone. How many more "last time" surgeries will I have? How many more people will I have to seek out before finding one who can really do this?

I'm hoping that my old surgeons can rescue this, now that the osteomyelitis is at bay. They were unwilling to do the surgery as it wasn't their super-specialty to deal with osteomyelitis. Now, I need a "simple" fusion. It just sucks so much to feel like this. I've dropped my coping mechanisms and am a combination of upset, frustrated and disappointed that I'm in this situation. I'm facing the situation with a real mindset and I can't deny that I feel really rubbish about what's going on, because surgery for me is a big deal because of my bleeding. Not to mention that I'm losing weight again and my GI tract has been giving me real trouble lately.

I hate feeling so down about things, because I'm not that kind of person. I'm sure this is a phase I'll get through, but for now, these are my raw feelings. It's just one of those "why me?" moments, when I feel just a bit more negative than normal.

Difficult decisions

"Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." ~The Fray

I love that quote, even though I wish it didn't refer to me. So much has happened recently - I had to make the difficult decision to go back and see the evil consultant mentioned in my last post. I had to see him privately, because time was running out and he was offering things that would help. The appointment was scheduled for Friday, but many phonecalls to and from my current surgeons' offices showed me that I really didn't trust this man, even if he could help. It played on my mind that he was adamant to be the only one involved, and I was scared that things would go wrong and he would refuse input from anyone else and would disallow me to see my old surgeons for advice. I just wouldn't want to feel obliged to him just because he's treating me.

Come Thursday, and I found a new consultant. I phoned up my orthopaedic surgeon's office, and told her about this new surgeon, and she replied by telling me that my vascular surgeon's secretary had recommended the very same person! I called my vascular surgeon's secretary, who informed me that her relative had seen the same person I'd found, and that he was lovely. She called up the new surgeon's office, and I got an appointment to see him yesterday (Friday) before his clinic started.

Turns out that he was born and had grown up in my area, and his sister had attended the same school as me. Again, he said he would treat me like a colleague, which I was so relieved about. No more of this chauvinistic, self-important approach, like the other surgeon had adopted. The bone erosion has progressed so much in the last few weeks, and the X-rays are redundant now because of how much more damage there is. I'm going to be admitted to hospital next week, and will be having surgery to debride the infectious bone and soft tissue. I think I'll be getting an implant or fixator of some sort to hold the bones together.

I can't believe how fast everything's moved on, and I don't think I'm ready for this. I know, full well, that this could make everything a lot worse. But if I do nothing, it'll get worse by itself - the surgery would, and could just hasten the process. Factor in my clotting disorders (just realised the pun there...) and my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and the fact that I'm getting so unhealthy from taking so many antibiotics, and I'm just not sure how I'll get through this.

Chronic illness and an update

There are so many things that I wish I had done in my life pre-Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Of course, I never knew I would get it at the time that I did, but as we all know; hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I came back from university today, and felt like going for a run. It's just a dear shame that I have not been very well for the last year or so, ridden with infections and GI problems, and couldn't go because I'm so weak.

My best friend has been most wonderful to me though, and I know she really deserves a mention here. Without her, I would have more bad days than good days, and somehow she manages to understand why I may be sad or upset, yet tell me that it's okay and I should move on. I'm just a very, very lucky girl, and I know it. She's also having a hard time right now with chronic illness, and her school isn't helping any. In fact, I feel like they're picking on her for it, and I feel terrible that I can't be there with her to stand up for what's true.

Another very dear friend to me has gone with her family to Disney on a Wish Trip, and I've been thinking of them all every day since they left. It's such a joy to read the updates and see photos of what must be such a happy time. It's only sad that illness is forever close by, but my thoughts and prayers remain with them in Florida, for a safe, exciting trip and return!

So, I've been put on Clindamycin as of last week (I do, in fact have osteomyelitis), and I am really bearing the brunt of the symptoms. Apparently it's a high dose, and I'll be on it for two months - I've already had GI upset, and yesterday didn't  make it to uni, as I was unwell on my way in (let's not go there...). I saw my GP yesterday and he's also sure that it's the antibiotic making me this sick. I feel weak and wish that I could just spend my days in bed to recover from what has been such a harsh week on my body. It's a shame that there are still many more weeks to come.

We are no clearer as to what comes next for treatment. I keep seeing people over and over again, but I don't want to and don't like it. My surgeon wants to get all the opinions possible but I am growing tired of being sent around, having to explain myself all the time and hear the same kind of stuff repeatedly. I also have issues with my orthopaedic surgeon and some of the letters he writes, as they portray me in a different light to what's reality and makes me feel awful about myself. I will definitely ask to be copied into the letters in future. Anyway, sorry for the long absence, I'm looking forward to the Christmas break now, and hope you are too. Lots of love x

Friday, 19th October 2012

How promising is it when your orthopaedic surgeon tells you he feels very sorry for you? I don't know about you, but I've found that most surgeons have nerves of steel and can deal with breaking bad news pretty well (sometimes to the patient's detriment!). This includes my orthopaedic surgeon. Now, we're very close - he knows next to everything about me, and most things that crop up - I tell him. I see him at least once a week usually (and have been for quite a while), which is probably the reason why we are so close. Don't get me wrong - he's as empathetic as I could want (not over-the-top, nor cold-hearted), but today I just realised how much he actually cares.

The number of problems that showed up in my 3T MRI couldn't have been higher. At the moment, I'm waiting for a third opinion - my surgeon has seen it, and so has the radiologist at the 3T MRI centre. However, the radiologist that always reports my scans hasn't seen it; this is the radiologist that my surgeon always works with. So we are waiting for his opinion. But so far, from what I've been told, I don't know what was actually right with it, in fact. I don't even know where to start!

From the AVM point of view, there's a chance of recurrence (this is yet to be confirmed), which actually isn't the worst part of it all. I also have some soft tissue swelling at the proximal joint, and something wrong with the bone (although I am not sure what). It's painful, for sure, and as far as I know, it's an osteophyte, and there's also some displacement of the joint. From what I gather, it's permanently and semi-dislocated-ish, but I could be wrong. All I know is that there's a sideways displacement of that joint. I have some erosion as well as loss of density around the eroded part. The worst part is that there's a fair chance that I have osteomyelitis going on - both the consultants so far have said that there is a bone infection. If this is true, I'm going to need to be on a super high dose of antibiotics for several months, which I'm sure will be great fun. Given my existing GI issues, I'm sure I won't be pleased at all if and when I'm taking them... Even on a basic dose, I get sick and it's just like having a stomach bug!

My swab also grew some colonies of bacteria; strange that, as when the nurse took the swab, I thought it was odd how she didn't get exudate on it. The tip wasn't even wet or even moist so I'm surprised there was overgrowth of anything...

I don't know what's next now. Surgery or no surgery - but I'm totally prepared for it to be a no... Going on all the new issues that have arisen, anyone would say that surgery is more unlikely than likely now. I don't think I'm as upset as I am scared. But we'll just have to see what else is found and what the radiologist says. I guess I'm prepared to take anything on to get over all this!